A Perspective of Gratitude

Would you go back and change your past?

While visiting family on the East Coast earlier this fall, we would often sit around the table after dinner. There, reclined in our chairs, sipping wine and picking at the last delicious morsels of dinner, we sat for hours musing on politics, philosophy, and life in general. One evening, after clearing the table, I found my self entering a conversation where my father posed a very particular question. “Would you go back and change anything if you could?”

The question stunned me. I was forced to pause and reflect.

First I thought of one of my life mantras: You are the sum of your experiences.

I have long believed this.

When we are young, people generally seem capable of realizing limitless potential. It brings to mind a factory that makes smartphones. Many will start out with similar features and software. Over time, the phones will start to look and operate very differently.  Every splash with coffee, downloaded app, selfie taken, questionable link clicked, and drop on the ground adds up over years of use until each phone becomes uniquely distinguishable. The same is true for our lives.

Yes, of course, when I think back, there is a list of ‘regrettables’… missed opportunities and cringy moments I would rather everyone forgot. But with each of those came a hard-learned lesson that has since influenced me to do better when I found myself in similar circumstances. To change any one of those regrettable occurrences might have nudged me toward being a different person in this moment.

So how do I feel about who I am in this moment?

Always, there remains room for improvement.

However, I surprised myself recently when catching up with a friend. While recounting the past year, a warmth of spirit set in as I recognized in my own words how safe and content I am feeling in life. I shared how on our travels, we have enjoyed extended stays to more deeply bond with friends and family. How it is still exciting to wake up in a new place every week as we travel and explore the nooks and crannies of the U.S. That this year I was blessed to experience a once in a lifetime tropical vacation with my family, giving us all new memories to reminisce over for years to come. My husband lived out a childhood dream as his band played for crowds of supporters at music festivals and concert halls in California. Catching up with my parents over video chat most days has made our relationship as strong as ever.  Dear friends gathered for cultural nights out to watch opulent rebroadcasts from the Metropolitan Opera. Through it all, I have continued to enjoy a thriving marriage, balanced work life, and maintained healthy habits that have kept me active and happy. Despite the challenges of running a business and living on the road, I have never woken up in the morning and thought, “I’m over it.”

I realize that everything in my life, from my most thrilling achievements to my most devastating embarrassments, has led me to this point. Had events unfolded any differently, then I would not have arrived in this moment.

So, would I go back and change anything? No. No I wouldn’t.

And for that, I am most grateful for this year.

Kayaking to enjoy autumn leaves in Connecticut.

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